As far as I can tell, Paul (the apostle) liked to be right. Luther and
Calvin, may they rest in peace, both liked to be right. Yet none of those three
ever wrote anything like this:
“I told you! I told you it would be worth it!!! This is unbelievable!!!!!!!!” I imagine shouting that one day when I see Lisa and the kids in heaven. They will no longer be my wife and kids, but we will love each other more than ever. I picture myself looking them in the eyes and saying, “I told you He would come through! I knew He would be true to His promises. I knew every sacrifice would be worth it. This is insane! He is amazing!!!” (p. 131)
If, at the start of the world to come, someone greets me by gripping me
tightly and saying, “I told you so”- I will know without a doubt, no matter the
scenery, that I am in hell. Unless the voice is coming from Jesus, in which
case I will fall on my knees and say, “I believed, Lord, forgive my unbelief.”
Be that as it may, Francis Chan’s You and Me Forever: Marriage
in Light of Eternity was not exactly hell to read, but it was not a glimpse
of heaven, either. In this book, the Bible is to be taken literally. Marriage
is an institution created by God and it is hetero-normative, period. Both
partners exist within their commitment to one another to be certain that
each will experience heaven (that is NOT a metaphor). The mission of their
marriage is discipleship, a pure witness to the work of fulfilling the Great
Commission (Matthew 28). Men lead, through submission to God. Women follow, through
submission to God. The practical advice of the book consists of guides for both
individual and mutual conversation, study, and prayer.
How many times did I want to throw this book against the wall? Many.
However, I more frequently found myself despairing. Chan and I, theoretically
want the same thing. First, that the world may come to know and trust in the
grace, mercy, and faithfulness of God as those truths were revealed in the
life, death, and resurrection of Jesus the Christ. Second, that marriage would
be understood to be a loving partnership for faithful growth and support- a
sacramental gift from God that is the foundation of hope, stability,
sanctification, and peace in communities. Our ability to agree on even these
two sentences can only occur in a sterile environment because once we hit the
ground, we are at odds which is lamentable to God (as far as I understand 1
Corinthians).
Chan writes:
Things are different nowadays. Sin is more accessible and acceptable. Two specific areas come to mind, both deadly to marriage: pornography and flirting.When I was a kid, a guy had to let everyone in the store know he was a pervert when he walked to the counter to buy a Playboy magazine. These days, people can look endlessly at pornography on the privacy of their own phones. And many don’t even consider that perverted. It’s the norm!When I was a kid, a woman would have to flirt with a man face to face, in a normal social setting. Once again, there was the shame of people seeing it and labeling her a “whore” or “slut”. Now with Facebook and text messaging, women and men can approach each other in secret to test the waters. And the affairs that spring from it, as well as the divorces that result from it, have become more acceptable. Even in the church. (26)
When I read the Bible, it seems to me that sin was fairly accessible to
our forefathers and foremothers in the faith. None of them seemed to struggle
with finding ways to violate God’s covenants and laws. If God is the same-
yesterday, today, and forever, then, sadly, the forces that oppose God are the
same. They may have shiny new ways to tempt, but they are no more powerful than
they ever were or ever will be. Arguing that humans are more sinful or that
evil is more prevalent denies the reality of history and the reality of God’s
relationship to creation in history.
Furthermore, all sin (sexual and otherwise) is a result of failing to
acknowledge that God alone is God (here Chan and I would agree). Thus, breaking
the first commandment (I am the Lord your God, have no other gods before me)
happens when we objectify and deify anything- bodies, natural resources, money,
work, power, control. The examples Chan gives do not go deep enough to the
reality of sin, a felt separation from God in the world. They are superficial,
shaming examples with no followed-up basis for repair or correction. The
failure of the church in this situation is not a failure to preach strongly
enough against pornography, adultery, or divorce. It is a failure to lift up
the reality that ALL is a gift from God- our bodies, the bodies of others, our
sexuality, natural resources, other animals, money, time, talents. Failure to
respect and honor God’s glory revealed in all of these is a perversion of God’s
desires. Period. There is no hierarchy in sin.
According to Chan, many churches lack faithful elders who can teach the
faith and the faith lived out in long marriages.
In speaking to young adults in America, they tell me of how they would love to be mentored by older people who are living by faith. But they can’t find any. Some may be joyful and friendly, but no longer living by faith. Sadly, their lives consist of visiting grandkids and taking vacations. Some are still acquiring more possessions, hoping to make the best of their last few days on earth. (185)
I recently did two back-to-back funerals. One for a man, aged 93, who
had been married to the same woman for 68 years. He had been a stalwart member
of three congregations, quietly revealing his faith in service and
perseverance. The second service was for a pastor who died just short of 70
years of ordination. His funeral was standing room only. His wife of 63 years
sat just to the side of his casket. Until just before he died, he could tell
you what psalm he wanted to hear for the day and why. There are many older
people who live by faith, but maybe not in the churches Chan visits. Has he
encouraged these seeking young people to find faithful elders in the churches
where they might be (mainline denominations) or do they lament together with no
action, but prayer?
All in all, this book was disappointing. Other reviews praise it, but
they seem to be people who knew what they would hear when they read the book.
That’s called preaching to the choir. The literal Biblical interpretation, the
frank substitutionary atonement (as the only understanding), and the failure to
acknowledge the mixed history of marriage as an institution and the church’s
need to grapple with that fact all combine to prevent me from recommending this
book to anyone.
You need to know that this theology is out there and that your
parishioners will encounter it. Since I can’t recommend this book and I don’t
have a ready-made suggestion to go in its place, I’ll make an alternate
recommendation.
I suggest that instead of reading this book, you re-read the book of
Ruth and consider the following 1) that God took generations to bring healing
out of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, 2) the most famous words of commitment
in the Bible are between a daughter-in-law to her mother-in-law, 3) marriage is
a wholly different scenario in the Scriptures, and 4) we are all called to
emulate the righteousness of Boaz by using our time, resources, and faith in
redeeming those who would be left on the margins.
I received You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity (Francis
and Lisa Chan) for review. I was not offered anything in exchange for the
review other than a copy of the book.
This review was first published for RevGalBlogPals: http://revgalblogpals.org/2015/01/26/revgalbookpals-you-and-me-forever-marriage-in-light-of-eternity/
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