Competition and Sanctification

I am starting a relationship with a new spiritual director (SD). I'm very excited.

In our first conversation, I mentioned some of the areas in which I think I need to work. Her direction is inspired by the Holy Spirit and rooted in the Enneagram. I mentioned my Enneagram type to her in this first chat and then discussed some of the things on which I want to reflect and dig deeper spiritually.

Important facts:

1. My Enneagram type is very competitive (3). That sense of competition can have an inward or outward focus.

2. I don't like to do things that I think I should OR that I enjoy if I am not as good at them as I think I should be.


So, I was talking to SD about my struggle with spiritual disciplines. She immediately commented, "It seems like you're very competitive- especially with yourself."

I replied, "Yes. If you ask me, though, I will tell you that I'm not competitive. I'm especially less competitive than you!"

We laughed, but I've reflected on that deeply in the past week.

I do compare myself to others, but I've learned to be gentle in those comparisons and to seriously reflect on my own achievements and location as a child of God. Yet, I still struggle with being further behind than I think I should be in a variety of areas.

In my mind, sanctification is God's embrace of us as we are and push/pull through the Spirit to bring us into a new fullness (read:better state) of being.

I struggle with sanctification. I've just realized that. I want to be further along than I am, so I paradoxically regress out of shame.

In that, I am refusing grace. I am scurrying on my little wheel and angry that I'm not in the next room. I wrestle with God's pace for me, because I [apparently] know myself better.



woof.


I'm going to need to sit with this for a while.

External Motivation

I recently got a Fitbit- a pretty fancy pedometer.

I got it in part because other efforts toward health and activity have not been successful. Fitbit gives me little encouragements toward daily and weekly goals (and beyond).

This morning I woke to an email congratulating me on having earned a 50 mile badge. Since starting with the Fitbit on 2/3, I've walked 50 miles while wearing it. That's essentially 5 miles a day.

On the one hand, I'm thrilled that this is working for me like nothing else ever has.

On the other hand, I feel embarrassed to need the adult version of a sticker chart to encourage me to healthy habits.

In discussing this with some others today, they mentioned that they too really thrive on little boosts of encouragement and affirmation.

Do we do enough of this in general for the people around us? I mean, genuinely affirm who they are, their efforts, and their progress?

The other thing I think about is this: what would a Fitbit for spiritual health look like?