I love you so much. With each of you, I remember learning that I was carrying you and immediately talking to you and praying for you. That's what Momma does still does for and with you!
I was recently on a trip to NC to help some other members of our family. I missed you both terribly while I was gone. D, I got to talk to you on the phone, but, V, you're still a little small for phone conversations. This was the longest I've been away from you. I looked at pictures of you both all the time.
When people would ask about my children, I would speak of you with obvious love in my voice. People would comment on how much I must miss you. I would confirm that I did. I want you to know how much I love you, every day, no matter what. I'll never not be your Momma. I will always do my very best by you and I ask in advance for your forgiveness when it turns out that my best isn't the best for you.
Because I love you so much, I want you to know the truth. You're not the center of my world. Besides the fact that role is filled by God, my central human relationship is with the person you know as Daddy. Our family is Momma, Daddy, D, and V. In our house, we also live with our dog, Ivan, and your uncle/my brother Uncle DD. So there are a lot of connections.
My relationship with Daddy precedes my relationship with either of you. Daddy and I have been through a lot of hard things together. He has listened to me talk out some very painful things that have happened to me. I have waited while he worked out frustrating things in the garage on his projects. We have not always understood each other, but we have tried to support one another.
I think you need to know that it isn't that I love Daddy more than you. I love Daddy different than you. We're not best friends or even soul mates. We have made a commitment to living together, to loving each other, and to helping one another to live in the world and not go crazy. It's not always easy. The only way we can keep those promises to each other is by making each other first. Our relationship- its solidity and solidarity- is what makes your lives good. (Surprise! It's not toys, books, or chicken nuggets.)
There are all kinds of potential questions you might have about this revelation. Would I choose if I had to? Absolutely. If I needed to, I would do whatever was necessary to keep you safe. Your well-being is my priority in any emergency. However, part of the way I look after that for you, day to day, is by spending time with Daddy, making sure we communicate, solving some of our problems, and letting him know how much I love him.
So, on Mother's Day, I want you to know that I love you so, so much. I miss you when we're not together. I'm always thinking of fun things we might do or try. I want you to grow up- strong, secure, and spiritually maturing- knowing that you are loved and beloved. I also want you to know, in the midst of all that, in the kisses and the hugs, in the wrestling and the hide-and-seek, in the family bed mornings and the long nights to get you to sleep alone… I need you to know how much I love Daddy. Our relationship, our love and life together, makes your happy life possible. It's that important.
Happy Mother's Day, pumpkins.