Thursday, December 31, 2009

This Far By Faith

This year has been sparse in my blog. I stopped my posts about the 50 most essential Biblical passages, I hardly acknowledged any saint's days and I never really commented on what was going on in my life.

In the past 12 months, I spent 8 full months pregnant, my husband left for Iraq on Good Friday, I had a C-section, a very close friend left me right after my son was born (and hasn't spoken to me since) and my husband missed the first four months of our son's life.

When I am really having difficulty dealing with situations, I can't even write about them. It takes almost all my energy to actually deal with what's happening and so I can't bring myself to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard).

Many people offered to help me and many people did help. There are several people without whose support- I might have pulled the covers over my head and refused to get out of bed.

Recently, someone suggested to me that I was trying to be perfect or that I might be depressed. I looked at the person carefully and said neither of those were the case. I recounted the tale of "The Canoe Trip of Near- Death", in which my husband was swept out of the canoe, the dog nearly drowned, we got growled at by bears and I had to paddle on my own to save us all. My commentary how that related to the current situation was this, "I'm almost to shore. Please don't push me out of the canoe now."

And so, I've made it to shore. Not really by my own power, but by the grace of God and the support of lots of caring people. But sometimes there is nothing else to do, but keep paddling and hope the stream is clear around the next bend.

My husband is home safely. My son has made it through the most dangerous of the SIDS windows and is a fat, happy baby. My dog has survived the introduction of a new family member, being kicked off the bed and relegated to floor sleeping and reduced attention. And I have survived all of this. Some of the events hurt more than others (I'm not sure when I'll be over my friend's betrayal). Some of this will fade in time. And some of this will always be just what happened then.

In church, we lost some faces that I'm going to miss dearly. That adds to the pile.

However, I have survived to write again. No matter what I wanted in these situations, I couldn't control much of them. So I just kept paddling.

And I'll keep paddling right into 2010, which has no promises to be an easier year. And maybe there's no such thing. They are what they are.

The main point is that, regardless of what a year brings or doesn't, God remains. With us, far and near. Carrying us. Steering us. Captaining our boat- even if we're sure we're doing the navigating. Always.

Happy New Year.


LoieJ said...

And may God hold you in His Hand and may you feel that now and again.

Unknown said...

Friend, I've seen you paddling for years now. I'd take you in my canoe any day. Thanks for the phone call yesterday. We'll catch up soon!